Fathers & Finances

Hello Readers!

I’ve been having a great week so far, and I hope you have been to. As you can see, this week in class we learned about the importance of fatherhood and finances as well. They are both interesting topics, and they both affect the family, but in different ways. So, here are some of my thoughts.

     First of all, what is fathering? Think about that for a second. Fathers have many responsibilities in the family. Generally, he is the bread winner and is working, but at the same time, he plays a very important role in raising the children. Preparing children for the world outside of the family. It is as simple as that. The main role of a father, whether consciously or not, is to prepare his children for life in the world. While mothers often stay home and nurture and teach things in the home, the father plays the important role of helping children understand how the world works. I find this very fitting, seeing as the father is usually the one who is out in the world the most.

     I look back at time spent with my father and I can see how he helped prepare me for life on my own out in the world. He taught me things like how to save money and be thrifty, or how to change oil in cars, or even just how to work. The world is not an easy place to survive in if you are not prepared. In today’s society it is popular for fathers to work a 9am – 5pm job. This does not usually leave the father with much time to be a father. This can have a negative effect on a family, especially if the father is gone for extended periods of time.

     Men tend to automatically have authority over their children while women lean towards earning the authority over their children. Now I am not saying that men are superior to women in any way, but just that the children tend to respect their fathers more. Mothers are usually the primary discipliner, so they earn the authority through discipline. I think the reason fathers automatically have this authority is because the children are not used to seeing dad discipline as often as their mother. Think back to your childhood. When mom asked you to stop doing something you might shrug it off and continue doing it, but when dad steps in you stop immediately. It is interesting to think about. But the bottom line is, fathers are important. They should try to spend as much time with their children as possible because even just their example can help mold and shape their children.

     Something else we talked about was finances. Finances can be a huge stressor in a family, and rightfully so. We need money to survive in this world. Many times, parents sacrifice a lot of family time in order to make more money. Some families even work two jobs! Contrary to popular belief, this is actually worse for your family situation. Below are some of the costs of having a “dual income.”

• ·        Cost of Dual Incomes:

o   Competitive (don’t need to work together)

o   Sense of failure (If other spouse is making more money)

o   Delay children

o   Parents are less available

     Do any of these things seem desirable to you? I didn’t think so. No one wants their family to be torn up, and especially over finances. Sure, your standard of living might improve, but is it really worth it to have no relationships with your children? For me, not a chance. Learn to manage money before it manages you.

     Thanks for reading! Hope something helps you out in your journey called life! Have a good week!

Communication & Mutual Problem Solving

Hello readers!

     On a scale of one to ten, how important do you think it is to have good communication in a relationship? I personally would give it a ten, maybe even an eleven. Good communication is vital to any relationship no matter what stage it is in. If you break it down communication is at the center of all relationships. When you meet someone for the first time you get to know each other through casual conversation. You might find out that you have similar hobbies or interests with this person, or maybe you have a friend in common, but you can’t find these things out with out communicating. Of course, this kind of communication is far different than communication between a married couple. Married couples have a commitment to each other, and part of that commitment is working together to solve their problems or any situation that might arise.

     My wife and I try our very best to have good communication. We are always trying to work together when it comes to decisions in life. Some of these decisions are big, like where to live, and where to go to school, while others are small, such as what to have for dinner. Many couples think that it is only necessary to work together on big decisions, but I have found that it is much easier to work together when you are already ding it on smaller things. I am grateful for my wife and for the great communicator she is.

     I am a strong believer that if a married couple does not have good communication skills between each other then this causes many unnecessary problems. For example, if you are on a tight budget as a family and one of the spouses goes and buys a big flat screen TV because it is black Friday and it was a good deal, and they never discussed it with the other spouse, then things are probably going to get really hairy really quick. But if the couple sits down and budgets out how they can afford that amazing TV, then there are no misunderstandings because the decision was made mutually.

     My wife and I have made “rules” for us so things like this don’t happen. Whenever we are going to buy something, we always let the other one know. This helps prevent stress through poor budgeting and healthy communication. This also helps to keep us on task and accountable. It is so easy these days to buy things online, and before you know it, you have spent double what you had planned to. But if you have someone besides yourself who you are accountable to, it helps you stay on target.

     The things I have talked about pretty simple ways of having good communication. Of course, there are always harder situations to have good, open communication, but by practicing with the small things it makes it so much easier to talk about the even bigger and harder things. I know that communication is a necessity in a relationship. Without it there is no doubt that the relationship will fail. I f you don’t have the greatest communication skills in your relationships, I urge you to improve them. It is never too late to improve your communication skills and habits to improve your relationships. I promise that if you are more open to communicate, that your relationships will improve. Sure, for you introverts out there it might be tough, but it will be so worth it, trust me, I am an introvert as well. I have no problem sitting in silence, or not talking to people, but when it come to those who are important to me, it is worth it to communicate effectively.

     
Thanks for reading! Hope this helps you out somehow!

The Family Under Stress

Hello Readers!

     This was a good week, I learned a lot, so I hope you will be able to get something out of what I share with you. First I want to clarify the difference between stress and distress. Stress is when something is pushing against something or someone else. Being Distressed is when you are upset about it. Often we use stress as a term to define how in distress we are. It is important to know the difference between these two because stress is actually a positive thing in healthy amounts. Without stress no one would be motivated to do anything. You wouldn't get out of bed in the morning because there would be nothing motivating or pushing you to get out of bed.

  Stress in the family is also important in a healthy amount. Have you ever seen a family that seems to be so tight knit, and they seem to have everything together? Chances are it is because they have been through stressful times that have brought them closer together. Stress helps us grow as individuals, but also helps our families grow as well.

My extended family on my mom's side has seen this in action due to a terrible crisis. My Grandpa Weight was in a terrible snowmobile accident. As a result of his accident he broke his neck. This left my grandpa a quadriplegic. It was a terrible experience for everyone, as you can imagine, but when the family had to come together to take care of him it drew everyone together. My grandpa was confined to a bed for five years, and had to have constant supervision that whole time. Each family had to take a "shift" each night to take care of him periodically throughout the night. After the five years, and they finally decided to let him go, everyone had grown together so much. It is truly amazing to see how something so terrible can be so beneficial to relationships. Crisis is not just a danger, it’s an opportunity.

Of course, stress can be a danger and detrimental. People don't always respond positively to their circumstances. When people don't react well, it really hurts those who are around them. It is not always the easiest thing to react positively, especially when it is a seriously big issue, but it always helps the situation when you are positive. If you can learn to operate your brain, you brain can’t operate you.

With all of the crazy things that happen in the world, you can guarantee that there is always
going to be a stressor on you and your family. Many of these things will also put your family
in distress. This is when it is important to be resilient. Resilience is the ability to rebound
from life’s challenges. I have heard it said that "success isn't measured on how many times
you avoid being knocked down, but how many times you are knocked down and get
back up." But, like many things in life, it is much easier said than done. My wife and I have
been working on developing resilience together. We have been working on seeing things
through a positive light. We also work hard to sit down and talk things through when things
get hard. Here are some tips to developing resilience.

• How to develop resilience
• Get perspective (What’s the worst that can happen?)
• Weigh the “unearned good” in life vs the “unearned bad” 
• Toughen up. Cognition. 
• Focus on your power to be happy.

Thanks for reading! I hope you found something beneficial to apply to your life! Have a good week!

Sexual Intimacy and Family Life

Hello Readers!

     This week was an interesting one, as you can probably tell by the title, but it was a good one. Sex is an important part of a marriage. It brings the man and woman closer together and unifies them as one. Sex is more than just a lustful desire, and even further, it is more than just a natural part of human emotion. It is a result of the progression of a committed and loving relationship. That being said, it should only happen when a couple truly trust and respect each other and have been legally and lawfully married. It should be a binding and relationship building experience.

     Although sex is an important part of a marriage, it is not always easy, especially for those who have not experienced it before. I have heard it said that "Sex takes practice" and that is definitely true. I know with my wife and I, we struggled for the first week of our marriage to be intimate. Whether it was just shyness or physical inability, it was challenging. But we were able to persevere, and it has helped us to grow closer together in ways we could never have imagined.

     Many people may not agree with everything that I have said, and that is probably because of how popular it is, in today's world, to be intimate with people we do not even know, or just simply find attractive. Doing it this way may seem more fun and exciting, but it does more damage than most people will let themselves accept. It causes so much heart break and feelings of guilt. It also trains you to look for qualities in people that are more shallow than deep. If you remember from a previous post how I discussed how the meaning of dating has changed from doing activities to eventually find a spouse to being "hook up" buddies. This is where it came from. People are scared of commitment, they do not want to grow up until they feel they have got their fun in, so they turn to hooking up instead of seeking out a partner to build a family and relationship with for life.

Now that I have talked about sex, why it is important, and when it is appropriate to participate in it, I want to cover some basic things about sex that I found very interesting, and that I hope might be able to help some people now or in the future. So, what needs to be understood in sexual intimacy? The excitement phase comes first. This is the phase in which the two partners get "turned on" and prepare for having sex. The excitement phase is very different between men and women, it is quick for men and slower for women. This can be difficult for men to understand, but it is important to have self control and to wait until their partner is ready. Women cannot and will not have sex unless they are feeling close and safe with their partner.

This chart below shows a few possible experiences a man and a woman might have while having sex. As you can see, women can orgasm many times during the plateau, while men can only orgasm once. This is because women have a much faster recovery time after they orgasm.

Also, there is one last thing that may not apply much to what I have been talking about,
but I found it pretty interesting. It is some chemistry behind sex. During sex there are
at least three different hormones released. Serotonin - a feel-good hormone, Dopamine - an excitement hormone, Oxytocin (Women) - Plays a big role in connection. Oxytocin was especially interesting to me because it is the same hormone released while a woman is giving birth. This is why women are so attached to their kids, especially right after birth. Just some fun facts for you. Thanks for reading!

Transitions in Marriage

Hello Readers!

     This week is a bit of a continuation from last week, but mostly focusing on engagement and marriage. Again, as a disclaimer, some of these things may sound old fashioned, but they also make a lot of sense in a lot of cases. So let's jump into engagement.

Now as I mentioned last week, "this hasn't been as affected as dating and courtship, but it still has been effected in some ways. It is becoming less common to have a formal proposal of marriage. There are many who just casually bring up marriage, and if they are in mutual agreement, just decide they are engaged. But the formal proposal is an important part. If something is formal, then it is more likely you will be more committed to that engagement. You are also moving purposefully to the next stage instead of just sluggishly sliding into it." These are dangerous habits to form. Engagement should be a time to practice planning together, practice budgeting together, and to build the beginnings of a marriage. They say that "practice makes perfect", but I have also heard it said as "perfect practice makes perfect." This is the same for engagement. The engagement period is a time for you and your fiancé to "practice" healthy habits for your marriage. If all you do through your engagement is sit around and, for example, do homework while the woman makes some food, then you are likely to continue the same habits as your married life progresses, only homework will turn into tv. Or maybe only the woman plans for the wedding. This is a huge missed opportunity for the couple to work together on something very big and important. Then, in the future, the wife may have to make all the decisions herself because the husband, subconsciously, knows she is a good planner, etc. Engagement is an important developmental time. Also, just a fun fact, research shows that people that spend more than $2,500 on the ring are more likely to have a failure of a marriage. Crazy right?

This next section is based on adjustments that are made in the first month of marriage, and the first year of marriage. For those of you who are married I'm sure you can relate. And I know for sure that there are more than what I have listed, these are just a few thoughts.

• Adjustments in the 1st Month of Marriage:
• Living with another person
• Caring for someone besides yourself
• Spending money on someone besides self
• Not having as much free time
• New living space
• New expenses (budgeting)
• Counsel in decision making
• Foreign habits from spouse
• Being together more/less
• Being more considerate of feelings
• Adjust friend group
• Shared responsibilities
• Sharing a bed
• Adjustments in the 1st Year of Marriage:
• Where to go for Holidays
• What to do with traditions
• Changing Values
• Differing Priorities
• Life Goal planning

Now these are a lot of things to work through together. Marriage is work, it is hard, "Anyone who tells you differently is trying to sell you something." This is why most divorces happen between 2-5 years. People aren't expecting to have to work so hard for their relationships. They expect them to be nice and easy just simply because they are in love. But it is important people realize that marriage takes work. And if you are willing to work and you make it past five years, chances are you will have a great marriage.

But wait, there's more! Just when you and your spouse finally feel like you are getting life figured out, a baby comes along and throws a wrench in your gears. Suddenly everything you thought was old news is being dug back up and you have to find new solutions to some of the previously solved problems. Research shows that marital satisfaction drops after each child you have. This isn't necessarily because children make parents unhappy, although they do sometimes, It is mostly because the husband and wife don't have as much time together. Now the wife is wound up with taking care of the baby, and the husband, is hopefully doing more than ever in assisting his wife. During this time of raising kids, both the husband and the wife can both feel discouraged. They are doing more than ever contributing to their family, but they are getting less recognition. So I challenge all of you to compliment or thank your spouse more often. Let them know you see and appreciate the things they are doing to help out. Don't just assume that they feel good about their efforts.

Finally, as the research has it, marital satisfaction increases again once kids start moving out and the husband and wife have time together again. You will be making adjustments in your marriage your whole life. As humans, we naturally don't like change, but we need to get used to the fact that our lives are, and never will be constant. So take these challenges head on with your spouse, and grow closer together while you do it!

Thanks for reading! feel free to leave any comments!

Preparing for Marriage

Hello Readers!

     This week was a very interesting and eye opening week of learning! As you can tell from the title, this week we learned about preparing for marriage. The world sure has changed what dating, courting, engagement, and marriage means. Lets just jump right in!
Let me first pose a question: What do people do these days to prepare for marriage? There are many answers which vary from culture to culture. I will just list a few. Cohabitation, Dating, hooking-up, Courtship. Just think to yourself for a moment what each of these things mean to you.
Dating has changed from going out and doing activities to being a couple. Not long ago dating was based around getting to know people through doing planned activities together, and just having good wholesome fun. But today, dating has a whole new definition. Now days, if someone is dating, it means they are exclusive and are probably sleeping with each other. So it is a pretty night and day difference. But due to this new definition of dating, it has thrown off the stages in a relationship and kind of mushed them all together. What are these stages you might ask? They are as follows: Dating, Courtship, Engagement, Marriage.
Nowadays, people have started sliding through these stages instead of moving purposely through each stage. Each stage should be defined and know between the two people. Dating is as we have already covered, just two people, who are not exclusive, having a good time on a date that is planned, paid for, and they are paired off purposefully. I say that because group dates count just as well as single dates, as long as it meets those three guidelines. After dating comes courtship. Courtship is, in my opinion, a lost part of these stages. Now people just "date" until maybe one day marriage is brought up and boom, they are somehow engaged. Courtship is the part most would consider dating in today's world. This is when you have talked about marriage and you both feel that it could be a possibility in your future, so you then start dating exclusively to get to know each other better (meet families, etc.). The most important thing to remember is to Define The Relationship (DTR). Many people make fun of DTR's, but they are a necessity in a relationship. If you both are on the same page then you both know what to expect, and what you want out of the relationship. But you need to move from stage to stage purposefully together.
After courtship comes engagement. This hasn't been as effected as dating and courtship, but it still has been effected in some ways. It is becoming less common to have a formal proposal of marriage. There are many who just casually bring up marriage, and if they are in mutual agreement, just decide they are engaged. But the formal proposal is an important part. If something is formal, then it is more likely you will be more committed to that engagement. You are also moving purposefully to the next stage instead of just sluggishly sliding into it.
The last step, as you know, is marriage. although the concept of marriage is still the same, I feel that it isn't as meaningful as it once was. It might be a cause of lazily sliding through the stages, or people are just more self centered these days. Either way, your work isn't done once you are married. Many people stop going on dates once they are married because they see dating as a "finding the right one" activity, when really, as we have learned, it is a "get to know you" activity. So keep dating once you are married! There is always more you can learn about your spouse. Even for those that have been married for years can learn new things about their spouse.
     Well, I hope you were able to learn something today. Even if you are already married, you can at least come away with going on more dates. I promise you you wont regret it. Have a good week!

Gender and Family Life

Hello readers!

     This week there was some very interesting things I learned. It is very apparent that there are differences between males and females. Sometimes these differences drive a wedge between us instead of helping us to work together better. I know myself that sometimes I have no idea what goes through a girls head. We could be talking about food and then next thing I know they are upset over something that has no relation to food. It confuses me, but this week we learned why we as men and women struggle to understand each other sometimes.

Nature v.s. Nurture is a debate that has been going on for a long time, and it will probably continue for a long time. Now, I'm not telling you what to think in the matter, but I am going to share some things that the majority of men and women tend to do and feel. This chart below is a way I have compared the two different styles of behavior in most men and women. I will give a summary of what they mean below.

Female	Male
Relationship Oriented	Spatial Orientation
People	Things
Emotionally expressive	Action oriented
Personal Communication	Task based communication

 Relationship Oriented vs Spatial Oriented: Females are generally more open and social than men are. This is because most women's brains are wired this way. Men are much more likely to want their own space. 

People Oriented vs Object Oriented: Women, like you may have gathered by the previous topics, are people oriented. Even from a young age, little girls love to play with dolls and pretend to take care of them as if they were living people. Now not to say that young boys don not do this too, but males are more likely to play with toy cars or sticks that look like guns.

Emotionally Expressive vs Action Oriented: I feel that it is well known that women are more emotional than men. Many would argue that it is because males are told their whole lives to "suck it up" or to "rub some dirt on it." While this may play into it, women's brains are just wired to be more emotional compared to men's. There was a study done where little girls and little boys were put behind some glass with their mom on the other side. A majority of the girls saw their mom on the other side and realized they could not get to her, so they immediately fell to the floor sobbing. The little boys, on the other hand, tried to get through the glass for a while before they broke into tears. Males are wired to try something before drawing conclusions while women draw conclusions before they try it.

Personal Communication vs Task Based Communication: Now what might be even more well know about women is that they love to talk ,and especially to their other girl friends. This is because (you guessed it) they are wired to be social butterflies. Women bond and make friends effectively just by talking to someone face to face. Men on the other hand bond and make friends most effectively while they are working alongside someone, or working to complete a similar goal. This is also why women take things so personally, because their communication is based to be received and delivered in a personal way. 

Some other things you might find interesting also have to do with the brain. Men have more grey matter in their brains, which means that they can focus very well on single tasks. This is why many men are good at coming home from work and refocusing on home life, leaving all work at work. This could also contribute to why a lot of men are forgetful and/or don't hear the best. If they are distracted by something, then everything else is tuned out for the most part. Women have more white matter in their brains, which means that they are better at making connections between tasks. Women have up to 5 times more connection tissue between the emotional part of the brain and the verbal part of the brain than men do. This is why they express their emotions more than men. This video i have attached covers some of these thoughts I have shared from a different point of view. It is also pretty entertaining.

A Tale of Two Brains

Thanks for reading!