Transitions in Marriage

Hello Readers!

     This week is a bit of a continuation from last week, but mostly focusing on engagement and marriage. Again, as a disclaimer, some of these things may sound old fashioned, but they also make a lot of sense in a lot of cases. So let's jump into engagement.

Now as I mentioned last week, "this hasn't been as affected as dating and courtship, but it still has been effected in some ways. It is becoming less common to have a formal proposal of marriage. There are many who just casually bring up marriage, and if they are in mutual agreement, just decide they are engaged. But the formal proposal is an important part. If something is formal, then it is more likely you will be more committed to that engagement. You are also moving purposefully to the next stage instead of just sluggishly sliding into it." These are dangerous habits to form. Engagement should be a time to practice planning together, practice budgeting together, and to build the beginnings of a marriage. They say that "practice makes perfect", but I have also heard it said as "perfect practice makes perfect." This is the same for engagement. The engagement period is a time for you and your fiancé to "practice" healthy habits for your marriage. If all you do through your engagement is sit around and, for example, do homework while the woman makes some food, then you are likely to continue the same habits as your married life progresses, only homework will turn into tv. Or maybe only the woman plans for the wedding. This is a huge missed opportunity for the couple to work together on something very big and important. Then, in the future, the wife may have to make all the decisions herself because the husband, subconsciously, knows she is a good planner, etc. Engagement is an important developmental time. Also, just a fun fact, research shows that people that spend more than $2,500 on the ring are more likely to have a failure of a marriage. Crazy right?

This next section is based on adjustments that are made in the first month of marriage, and the first year of marriage. For those of you who are married I'm sure you can relate. And I know for sure that there are more than what I have listed, these are just a few thoughts.

• Adjustments in the 1st Month of Marriage:
• Living with another person
• Caring for someone besides yourself
• Spending money on someone besides self
• Not having as much free time
• New living space
• New expenses (budgeting)
• Counsel in decision making
• Foreign habits from spouse
• Being together more/less
• Being more considerate of feelings
• Adjust friend group
• Shared responsibilities
• Sharing a bed
• Adjustments in the 1st Year of Marriage:
• Where to go for Holidays
• What to do with traditions
• Changing Values
• Differing Priorities
• Life Goal planning

Now these are a lot of things to work through together. Marriage is work, it is hard, "Anyone who tells you differently is trying to sell you something." This is why most divorces happen between 2-5 years. People aren't expecting to have to work so hard for their relationships. They expect them to be nice and easy just simply because they are in love. But it is important people realize that marriage takes work. And if you are willing to work and you make it past five years, chances are you will have a great marriage.

But wait, there's more! Just when you and your spouse finally feel like you are getting life figured out, a baby comes along and throws a wrench in your gears. Suddenly everything you thought was old news is being dug back up and you have to find new solutions to some of the previously solved problems. Research shows that marital satisfaction drops after each child you have. This isn't necessarily because children make parents unhappy, although they do sometimes, It is mostly because the husband and wife don't have as much time together. Now the wife is wound up with taking care of the baby, and the husband, is hopefully doing more than ever in assisting his wife. During this time of raising kids, both the husband and the wife can both feel discouraged. They are doing more than ever contributing to their family, but they are getting less recognition. So I challenge all of you to compliment or thank your spouse more often. Let them know you see and appreciate the things they are doing to help out. Don't just assume that they feel good about their efforts.

Finally, as the research has it, marital satisfaction increases again once kids start moving out and the husband and wife have time together again. You will be making adjustments in your marriage your whole life. As humans, we naturally don't like change, but we need to get used to the fact that our lives are, and never will be constant. So take these challenges head on with your spouse, and grow closer together while you do it!

Thanks for reading! feel free to leave any comments!