The Family Under Stress

Hello Readers!

     This was a good week, I learned a lot, so I hope you will be able to get something out of what I share with you. First I want to clarify the difference between stress and distress. Stress is when something is pushing against something or someone else. Being Distressed is when you are upset about it. Often we use stress as a term to define how in distress we are. It is important to know the difference between these two because stress is actually a positive thing in healthy amounts. Without stress no one would be motivated to do anything. You wouldn't get out of bed in the morning because there would be nothing motivating or pushing you to get out of bed.

  Stress in the family is also important in a healthy amount. Have you ever seen a family that seems to be so tight knit, and they seem to have everything together? Chances are it is because they have been through stressful times that have brought them closer together. Stress helps us grow as individuals, but also helps our families grow as well.

My extended family on my mom's side has seen this in action due to a terrible crisis. My Grandpa Weight was in a terrible snowmobile accident. As a result of his accident he broke his neck. This left my grandpa a quadriplegic. It was a terrible experience for everyone, as you can imagine, but when the family had to come together to take care of him it drew everyone together. My grandpa was confined to a bed for five years, and had to have constant supervision that whole time. Each family had to take a "shift" each night to take care of him periodically throughout the night. After the five years, and they finally decided to let him go, everyone had grown together so much. It is truly amazing to see how something so terrible can be so beneficial to relationships. Crisis is not just a danger, it’s an opportunity.

Of course, stress can be a danger and detrimental. People don't always respond positively to their circumstances. When people don't react well, it really hurts those who are around them. It is not always the easiest thing to react positively, especially when it is a seriously big issue, but it always helps the situation when you are positive. If you can learn to operate your brain, you brain can’t operate you.

With all of the crazy things that happen in the world, you can guarantee that there is always
going to be a stressor on you and your family. Many of these things will also put your family
in distress. This is when it is important to be resilient. Resilience is the ability to rebound
from life’s challenges. I have heard it said that "success isn't measured on how many times
you avoid being knocked down, but how many times you are knocked down and get
back up." But, like many things in life, it is much easier said than done. My wife and I have
been working on developing resilience together. We have been working on seeing things
through a positive light. We also work hard to sit down and talk things through when things
get hard. Here are some tips to developing resilience.

• How to develop resilience
• Get perspective (What’s the worst that can happen?)
• Weigh the “unearned good” in life vs the “unearned bad” 
• Toughen up. Cognition. 
• Focus on your power to be happy.

Thanks for reading! I hope you found something beneficial to apply to your life! Have a good week!

Sexual Intimacy and Family Life

Hello Readers!

     This week was an interesting one, as you can probably tell by the title, but it was a good one. Sex is an important part of a marriage. It brings the man and woman closer together and unifies them as one. Sex is more than just a lustful desire, and even further, it is more than just a natural part of human emotion. It is a result of the progression of a committed and loving relationship. That being said, it should only happen when a couple truly trust and respect each other and have been legally and lawfully married. It should be a binding and relationship building experience.

     Although sex is an important part of a marriage, it is not always easy, especially for those who have not experienced it before. I have heard it said that "Sex takes practice" and that is definitely true. I know with my wife and I, we struggled for the first week of our marriage to be intimate. Whether it was just shyness or physical inability, it was challenging. But we were able to persevere, and it has helped us to grow closer together in ways we could never have imagined.

     Many people may not agree with everything that I have said, and that is probably because of how popular it is, in today's world, to be intimate with people we do not even know, or just simply find attractive. Doing it this way may seem more fun and exciting, but it does more damage than most people will let themselves accept. It causes so much heart break and feelings of guilt. It also trains you to look for qualities in people that are more shallow than deep. If you remember from a previous post how I discussed how the meaning of dating has changed from doing activities to eventually find a spouse to being "hook up" buddies. This is where it came from. People are scared of commitment, they do not want to grow up until they feel they have got their fun in, so they turn to hooking up instead of seeking out a partner to build a family and relationship with for life.

Now that I have talked about sex, why it is important, and when it is appropriate to participate in it, I want to cover some basic things about sex that I found very interesting, and that I hope might be able to help some people now or in the future. So, what needs to be understood in sexual intimacy? The excitement phase comes first. This is the phase in which the two partners get "turned on" and prepare for having sex. The excitement phase is very different between men and women, it is quick for men and slower for women. This can be difficult for men to understand, but it is important to have self control and to wait until their partner is ready. Women cannot and will not have sex unless they are feeling close and safe with their partner.

This chart below shows a few possible experiences a man and a woman might have while having sex. As you can see, women can orgasm many times during the plateau, while men can only orgasm once. This is because women have a much faster recovery time after they orgasm.

Also, there is one last thing that may not apply much to what I have been talking about,
but I found it pretty interesting. It is some chemistry behind sex. During sex there are
at least three different hormones released. Serotonin - a feel-good hormone, Dopamine - an excitement hormone, Oxytocin (Women) - Plays a big role in connection. Oxytocin was especially interesting to me because it is the same hormone released while a woman is giving birth. This is why women are so attached to their kids, especially right after birth. Just some fun facts for you. Thanks for reading!

Transitions in Marriage

Hello Readers!

     This week is a bit of a continuation from last week, but mostly focusing on engagement and marriage. Again, as a disclaimer, some of these things may sound old fashioned, but they also make a lot of sense in a lot of cases. So let's jump into engagement.

Now as I mentioned last week, "this hasn't been as affected as dating and courtship, but it still has been effected in some ways. It is becoming less common to have a formal proposal of marriage. There are many who just casually bring up marriage, and if they are in mutual agreement, just decide they are engaged. But the formal proposal is an important part. If something is formal, then it is more likely you will be more committed to that engagement. You are also moving purposefully to the next stage instead of just sluggishly sliding into it." These are dangerous habits to form. Engagement should be a time to practice planning together, practice budgeting together, and to build the beginnings of a marriage. They say that "practice makes perfect", but I have also heard it said as "perfect practice makes perfect." This is the same for engagement. The engagement period is a time for you and your fiancé to "practice" healthy habits for your marriage. If all you do through your engagement is sit around and, for example, do homework while the woman makes some food, then you are likely to continue the same habits as your married life progresses, only homework will turn into tv. Or maybe only the woman plans for the wedding. This is a huge missed opportunity for the couple to work together on something very big and important. Then, in the future, the wife may have to make all the decisions herself because the husband, subconsciously, knows she is a good planner, etc. Engagement is an important developmental time. Also, just a fun fact, research shows that people that spend more than $2,500 on the ring are more likely to have a failure of a marriage. Crazy right?

This next section is based on adjustments that are made in the first month of marriage, and the first year of marriage. For those of you who are married I'm sure you can relate. And I know for sure that there are more than what I have listed, these are just a few thoughts.

• Adjustments in the 1st Month of Marriage:
• Living with another person
• Caring for someone besides yourself
• Spending money on someone besides self
• Not having as much free time
• New living space
• New expenses (budgeting)
• Counsel in decision making
• Foreign habits from spouse
• Being together more/less
• Being more considerate of feelings
• Adjust friend group
• Shared responsibilities
• Sharing a bed
• Adjustments in the 1st Year of Marriage:
• Where to go for Holidays
• What to do with traditions
• Changing Values
• Differing Priorities
• Life Goal planning

Now these are a lot of things to work through together. Marriage is work, it is hard, "Anyone who tells you differently is trying to sell you something." This is why most divorces happen between 2-5 years. People aren't expecting to have to work so hard for their relationships. They expect them to be nice and easy just simply because they are in love. But it is important people realize that marriage takes work. And if you are willing to work and you make it past five years, chances are you will have a great marriage.

But wait, there's more! Just when you and your spouse finally feel like you are getting life figured out, a baby comes along and throws a wrench in your gears. Suddenly everything you thought was old news is being dug back up and you have to find new solutions to some of the previously solved problems. Research shows that marital satisfaction drops after each child you have. This isn't necessarily because children make parents unhappy, although they do sometimes, It is mostly because the husband and wife don't have as much time together. Now the wife is wound up with taking care of the baby, and the husband, is hopefully doing more than ever in assisting his wife. During this time of raising kids, both the husband and the wife can both feel discouraged. They are doing more than ever contributing to their family, but they are getting less recognition. So I challenge all of you to compliment or thank your spouse more often. Let them know you see and appreciate the things they are doing to help out. Don't just assume that they feel good about their efforts.

Finally, as the research has it, marital satisfaction increases again once kids start moving out and the husband and wife have time together again. You will be making adjustments in your marriage your whole life. As humans, we naturally don't like change, but we need to get used to the fact that our lives are, and never will be constant. So take these challenges head on with your spouse, and grow closer together while you do it!

Thanks for reading! feel free to leave any comments!

Preparing for Marriage

Hello Readers!

     This week was a very interesting and eye opening week of learning! As you can tell from the title, this week we learned about preparing for marriage. The world sure has changed what dating, courting, engagement, and marriage means. Lets just jump right in!
Let me first pose a question: What do people do these days to prepare for marriage? There are many answers which vary from culture to culture. I will just list a few. Cohabitation, Dating, hooking-up, Courtship. Just think to yourself for a moment what each of these things mean to you.
Dating has changed from going out and doing activities to being a couple. Not long ago dating was based around getting to know people through doing planned activities together, and just having good wholesome fun. But today, dating has a whole new definition. Now days, if someone is dating, it means they are exclusive and are probably sleeping with each other. So it is a pretty night and day difference. But due to this new definition of dating, it has thrown off the stages in a relationship and kind of mushed them all together. What are these stages you might ask? They are as follows: Dating, Courtship, Engagement, Marriage.
Nowadays, people have started sliding through these stages instead of moving purposely through each stage. Each stage should be defined and know between the two people. Dating is as we have already covered, just two people, who are not exclusive, having a good time on a date that is planned, paid for, and they are paired off purposefully. I say that because group dates count just as well as single dates, as long as it meets those three guidelines. After dating comes courtship. Courtship is, in my opinion, a lost part of these stages. Now people just "date" until maybe one day marriage is brought up and boom, they are somehow engaged. Courtship is the part most would consider dating in today's world. This is when you have talked about marriage and you both feel that it could be a possibility in your future, so you then start dating exclusively to get to know each other better (meet families, etc.). The most important thing to remember is to Define The Relationship (DTR). Many people make fun of DTR's, but they are a necessity in a relationship. If you both are on the same page then you both know what to expect, and what you want out of the relationship. But you need to move from stage to stage purposefully together.
After courtship comes engagement. This hasn't been as effected as dating and courtship, but it still has been effected in some ways. It is becoming less common to have a formal proposal of marriage. There are many who just casually bring up marriage, and if they are in mutual agreement, just decide they are engaged. But the formal proposal is an important part. If something is formal, then it is more likely you will be more committed to that engagement. You are also moving purposefully to the next stage instead of just sluggishly sliding into it.
The last step, as you know, is marriage. although the concept of marriage is still the same, I feel that it isn't as meaningful as it once was. It might be a cause of lazily sliding through the stages, or people are just more self centered these days. Either way, your work isn't done once you are married. Many people stop going on dates once they are married because they see dating as a "finding the right one" activity, when really, as we have learned, it is a "get to know you" activity. So keep dating once you are married! There is always more you can learn about your spouse. Even for those that have been married for years can learn new things about their spouse.
     Well, I hope you were able to learn something today. Even if you are already married, you can at least come away with going on more dates. I promise you you wont regret it. Have a good week!

Gender and Family Life

Hello readers!

     This week there was some very interesting things I learned. It is very apparent that there are differences between males and females. Sometimes these differences drive a wedge between us instead of helping us to work together better. I know myself that sometimes I have no idea what goes through a girls head. We could be talking about food and then next thing I know they are upset over something that has no relation to food. It confuses me, but this week we learned why we as men and women struggle to understand each other sometimes.

Nature v.s. Nurture is a debate that has been going on for a long time, and it will probably continue for a long time. Now, I'm not telling you what to think in the matter, but I am going to share some things that the majority of men and women tend to do and feel. This chart below is a way I have compared the two different styles of behavior in most men and women. I will give a summary of what they mean below.

Female	Male
Relationship Oriented	Spatial Orientation
People	Things
Emotionally expressive	Action oriented
Personal Communication	Task based communication

 Relationship Oriented vs Spatial Oriented: Females are generally more open and social than men are. This is because most women's brains are wired this way. Men are much more likely to want their own space. 

People Oriented vs Object Oriented: Women, like you may have gathered by the previous topics, are people oriented. Even from a young age, little girls love to play with dolls and pretend to take care of them as if they were living people. Now not to say that young boys don not do this too, but males are more likely to play with toy cars or sticks that look like guns.

Emotionally Expressive vs Action Oriented: I feel that it is well known that women are more emotional than men. Many would argue that it is because males are told their whole lives to "suck it up" or to "rub some dirt on it." While this may play into it, women's brains are just wired to be more emotional compared to men's. There was a study done where little girls and little boys were put behind some glass with their mom on the other side. A majority of the girls saw their mom on the other side and realized they could not get to her, so they immediately fell to the floor sobbing. The little boys, on the other hand, tried to get through the glass for a while before they broke into tears. Males are wired to try something before drawing conclusions while women draw conclusions before they try it.

Personal Communication vs Task Based Communication: Now what might be even more well know about women is that they love to talk ,and especially to their other girl friends. This is because (you guessed it) they are wired to be social butterflies. Women bond and make friends effectively just by talking to someone face to face. Men on the other hand bond and make friends most effectively while they are working alongside someone, or working to complete a similar goal. This is also why women take things so personally, because their communication is based to be received and delivered in a personal way. 

Some other things you might find interesting also have to do with the brain. Men have more grey matter in their brains, which means that they can focus very well on single tasks. This is why many men are good at coming home from work and refocusing on home life, leaving all work at work. This could also contribute to why a lot of men are forgetful and/or don't hear the best. If they are distracted by something, then everything else is tuned out for the most part. Women have more white matter in their brains, which means that they are better at making connections between tasks. Women have up to 5 times more connection tissue between the emotional part of the brain and the verbal part of the brain than men do. This is why they express their emotions more than men. This video i have attached covers some of these thoughts I have shared from a different point of view. It is also pretty entertaining.

A Tale of Two Brains

Thanks for reading!

Social Class & Cultural Diversity

Hello There!!

     This week was an interesting one. Not a whole lot of statistics to share, but I have some interesting thoughts, as well as some interesting ideas I observed in class this week.

      This week we ran a simulation based on a study done on the cost it takes for immigrants (illegal in this case) to come to the US. (The study we based this off of) The costs we covered weren't just about money and possessions, but family life as well.

      In class we had volunteers come up to represent everyone in the study (mom, dad, grandma, etc.). Then we established the background. The father was a welder in Mexico. He was making decent money, which was enough for his family to have a comfortable living. The mother could stay home with the kids, and the kids were in school and had a good social life. But the mother and father want more for their children. They want them to get a better education, and to learn English. So they decide to move to the US. The father had to save up four thousand dollars to pay off the coyotes (border smugglers) to get him across the boarder, and all he could bring with him was what he could carry. But in the end, he makes it to the US.

     In the meantime, his family back in Mexico has some serious life changes come their way. The mother now has to start working full time, so she is no longer with her kids all day every day. Her sixteen year old son now has to be the man in the family. He no longer has time to finish school, but he now ha to start working as well. And the thirteen year old daughter? You guessed it! She is working with mom earning money too. So their whole family dynamic changed.

     So the father and his wife figured it would take about six to twelve months for him to make enough money for his family to follow him to the US, but he can not find a good paying job because he is an illegal immigrant. Since he can not raise enough money fast enough it ends up taking three years for the family to be able to get there. By the time the family gets there, the son is nineteen, the daughter is 16, and they all feel distanced from the father. The son feels distanced because he was the father figure in the family for so long that he has grown up and does not feel that he needs his dad anymore. The daughter is distanced from the father because she spent so much time with her mother raising money. And the mother is distanced just because of being the breadwinner for so long.

     Not only has the family dynamic changed, but now the children are thrown into a new culture and a new language to learn. Their children will now suffer until they can figure out the language and find work that will accept them. And any hope for continuing education is almost zero due to those language barriers.

     Families that lose their father change dramatically. People might not think they change too much, but they change a lot. The same goes for losing a mother. The father and the mother both play very important roles in the family, and when it is disrupted it can change the whole family dynamic.

     Thanks for reading! Sorry if this one wasn't the most interesting or intriguing, but it will be better in the future. Thanks!

Family Dynamics & Theories

Hello Everyone!

As the title suggests we learned about family dynamics and Theories this week in class. There are some very interesting things that we covered, so let's jump right into it!Theories are "set(s) of logically related propositions that explain some phenomenon" (Lauer and Lauer, P. 20) We learned about 4 theories that can occur in a family, I'll talk a bit about them.

• Conflict Theory:
• Conflict theory proposes that in all relationships there are inequalities. It varies widely from relationship to relationship, but people aren't actually completely equal. If you think about various relationships, you can probably pick out some where one spouse seems to have power over the other. they have the final say in every decision. Or, maybe you know a family (or have experience) who goes to one parent and gets rejected, and then goes to another and gets a yes. Both of these could be considered conflict theory. It's not inherently bad to be unequal in different ways, sometimes someone has a better strength in a certain area. It only gets bad when the influence get overwhelming and/or abusive.
• Exchange Theory:
• Exchange theory involves people not wanting the cost of the relationship to outweigh the rewards in the relationship. This theory proposes that if you are "exchange theory minded" then you will do everything you can to get as much out of your relationship, but also not give as much back in return. Maybe you make your spouse do the dishes after every meal by themselves. Or maybe you are the one stuck folding the laundry every day even though your significant other clearly has plenty of time to help. You are likely to not be too happy, and if you take this theory to the extreme you might break things off if things don not improve. I hope no one jumps to the end like that, but instead talks it over with their significant other calmly instead of exploding.
• Symbolic Interaction Theory:
• Symbolic interaction theory has to do with people's actions. What a person does is sometimes more symbolic than factual. For example, Hugs. Hugs are a very simple gesture, but they are also so very complex. Think about all the different hugs there are. There are side hugs, bro hugs, hugs of comfort, romantic hugs, the list could go on forever. Well, because hugs are so simple, yet so complex, they are misread all the time. A guy might just want to help comfort a girl during a stressful time, but she might see it as him trying to make a move on her. In another example, you might try to do a chore your spouse usually does to be nice, but they might take it the wrong way and think you did it because they were being lazy. 
• Systems Theory:
• Systems theory is an interesting one. It proposes that every family acts as a system, and that every relationship inside the family is a sub-system. Then, these Systems always have rules and every system has sub-systems, such as Father-son, Mother-daughter, Sibling-sibling. These rules that the system has can be kind of funny. Did you ever have unwritten rules in your family, or do you currently? Think about what they are. Do you all do the dishes right after dinner? Do you kneel or sit as a family when you pray? Are there certain things that you do not bring up around certain family members? It seems like families have this unspoken language. You can just give each other "the look" and know exactly what and what not to do and say. 

All of these theories are really fun to think about and contemplate. I challenge you to think about them and see if you can see some similar characteristics in your family. Thanks for reading! Have a great week!